The Peanuts as reimagined by Charles Bukowski...
here.
It began as a mistake.
The first time that Charles Branaski met Lucy Van Pelt,
she was holding a football. He didn’t care for
the game, baseball was his thing. Still, she held
out that old football.
“Just kick the fucking thing,” she said.
“Listen, babe. You just hold that thing steady
and I’ll kick the shit out of it.”
She threw her head back and laughed. She laughed
long and hard and propped up the football.
Charlie took a running start and he reared back his leg
and kicked as hard as he could. Lucy was laughing
too hard to hold the ball steady and it slipped out of
her hand. Charlie missed the ball and flew
straight up in the air and landed flat on his back.
“AUUUGGGGHHH,” he said.
“You should have seen your face, Charlie Branaski,” she
said. Then she laughed twice as hard.
“Listen, you crazy bitch. I think I broke my
ass. Jesus Christ!”
She helped him up. “Look, I’m sorry about
that. You try it again and I’ll hold it real
steady this time.”
“O.K., Lucy. I’ll do it on more time, but that’s
it. You hold it this time, got it?”
“I promise,” she said.
He dusted himself off. God o mighty, his ass
ached! He walked a little ways away and Lucy set
up the old football again. He took a deep breath
and a running start. He could see she was holding
it tight. He was really going to kick the shit
out of that old football! He threw his leg
forward with all his might and Lucy yanked the football
away just as he kicked at it. He landed on his
ass again.
“AUUUGGGGHHH,” he said again.
Lucy laughed and laughed and left with the
football. Charlie laid there and groaned.
Good grief, he thought. What a cunt.
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